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North Central Wisconsin Senior & Portrait Photographers James & Katie Stokes Located in Medford, Wisconsin // Marriage    

Tag Archives: Marriage

Marriage Advice: Year Twelve

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January 30, 2020

/ James Stokes

Katie and I have been married for 12 years! (gulp). I think that means we are getting older but I believe that is a good thing. I look back at our 21/20-year-old selves and think about how naive we were in just about every aspect of our lives. There was a reason NO ONE thought our marriage was a good idea, except for us. At the time, we had no game plan beyond that; we would figure things out as we went… and we did, but not without making a TON of mistakes. Thankfully, none of them were very costly, except for a $20,000 tax accounting error. Yes, 4 zeros!!! In spite of our mistakes, God’s grace in our lives and our belief that marriage is a lifelong commitment, we’ve made through nine babies, four houses/moves, one apartment, two dogs, two cats, fair fish, aquatic frogs, homeschooling, three businesses, job-loss, spinal meningitis, countless viral bugs, college, and I’m just scratching the surface. Life is crazy/beautiful. Sometimes more crazy than beautiful.

We wish I could sum up the total worth of what we have learned in what is just a drop in the bucket of the total breadth of our lives, Lord willing, (we want to be those people who annoy our children long into our 90s) however, the only word that seems to fit is PERSEVERANCE.

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

Over the last 10 years, Katie and I have had the honor and privilege of photographing hundreds of weddings side by side. Still, we can recall specific memories and couples who brought us tears or made our faces hurt with laughter. In part, we’ve believed we have had one of the greatest opportunities afforded to our generation; investing in marriage.

Frequently, we hear our couples say that their wedding day was a haze of fleeting moments amidst the crowd of family and friends. That is what emotions sometimes do, but that’s where we come in. There is a beauty within those subtle moments and our passion over the last decade has been to capture the phenomenon that is your wedding in stunning timeless photographs that you will cherish for a lifetime and generations that follow.

Together we create a first family’s first heirlooms; blending classic photojournalism with a fine art approach, our goal is to capture editorial-style images that can be displayed in anthology form.

We admit that we haven’t always invested in our marriage. We have only gone away a handful of times together. Each trip has been like a reset point; a moment to just pause. We’re able to reflect, find quiet, and process. This is so crucial and we’re so thankful for that time because it is so rare.

Rest. Something we’ve lost in our culture. Real unplugged rest. We’re finding balance too. How do we juggle #allthethings? Somethings are always in the air while one thing rests in your hand only for a moment. One really can’t multitask. You’re either doing one thing or you’re doing another, however, some of us have found ways to live in alignment largely with the help of technology. But there is a point, we all have it, where the noise and the productivity must end. We must be still. Wait. Listen.

I am so bad as this.

Maybe you’re like me. You feel lazy the instant you sit down and your phone isn’t in your hand or you don’t have a book or journal in your hand.

I was convicted of this as I reviewed my finances for 2019 and began planning for 2020. I’ve tried to set aside time each morning for devotions, prayer, meditation, and reflection and have come across the verses in scripture that speak of living by faith. What does that practically look like as I’m trying to make sense of ones and zeros, spreadsheets, and taxes?

Do I try harder? Should I give more? Should I work more? Should I work less? Maybe, I should stop trying altogether?

The silence only lasts so long in our home and listening for an answer from the Almighty isn’t as epic as I would sometimes like. Followers often don’t get Pauline encounters with Abba Father. Often it is much more subtle after long periods of nothing.

Peace. Joshua 1:9 – A promise that LORD our God is always with us. 2 Peter 1:3 – All things that pertain to life and godliness he has already granted us. This may not mean that everything is going to go our way, it most certainly will not, but when troubles come we are to remain joyful. “Let perseverance/steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4

So, I pray. I continue to diligently work unto the LORD who has ordained good works for us to do. I still plan, but I give God the giant eraser, praying his will be done for his glory and not my own.

We continue to look for the beauty that surrounds us each day in the mundane and seek to find ways to remain grateful for all that we have, being content. This in and of itself is a daily struggle as we look to set goals for our life and aspire to bigger and better things.

Paul writes the early church that they are to love one another; even more than what they already had yet their ambition and goal was to live a quiet life dependent on no one. Isn’t that the goal for those of us who are entrepreneurs. We dream of self-sufficiency, free of debt, and make the freedom to write our days, but we can get caught up on the self and forget about the one who made us. We are his and we’re called to love others, not fall more in love with ourselves and the things we acquire.

Self-care is not the same as self-love. Marriages need some of one and less of the other. You can’t just take care of yourself and expect that your marriage is going to thrive, but what you can do is chase after the quiet times with God and his word and look for ways to love each other more, which often looks like the opposite of self-love. My wife is better at this than me. She just serves. Endlessly. But each evening we each take time for ourselves after longs days of schooling, work, meals, kids, and running. We realize this is the opposite for most people, they spend their time together at the end of the day, not us. We’re weird. But it works.

We’re still learning what it means to put God first and our marriage second. We’re still triaging the rest; whatever or whoever is bleeding gets the most attention. For all the ways we are insufficient, grace is enough for us and is enough for you too!

Blessings to you all this year!

James & Katie Stokes

Couples, For Photographers, Lifestyle, Personal / Faith, Marriage / Comment

6 Mistakes to Avoid When Planning A Wedding

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March 19, 2019

/ James Stokes

Over the last 10 years, Katie and I have not only shot 200+ weddings, but we have also planned, designed, and officiated several weddings for siblings. DIY Weddings are not for the faint of heart. This last year, we held a wedding in our own backyard. For over a year we worked with my brother and sister in law to bring their dream to life. The reality is everyone can plan a wedding, but not everyone should. Logistically, emotionally, & financially it might not be the best choice for you, but let me share a few mistakes we’ve made, heard about, or experienced over the years.

 

    

  • Failing to Establish a Budget Beforehand

From the wedding venue and catering to flowers and photography, estimating the cost of a wedding can be complicated. Not the mention those last-minute costs that spring up suddenly and blow up your budget. But while you can’t be sure that cost will come up to exactly what you’re willing to spend, setting a realistic budget will still save you a lot of stress and hassles later. You can also use the wedding cost calculator available online to get an approximate estimate cost! Treat a wedding like building a home. Make sure that you have a 20-30% buffer in your budget for the unexpected. Set a budget based on what you can personally afford with the help of your family. What is most important to you? That is where you invest your money. What is going to help produce the most long-term happiness?  

 

 

  • Looking for a Wedding Venue Before Preparing Your Guest List

In Wisconsin, we generally have pretty big families. Nebraska and Utah might have us beat, but regardless, knowing who you’re inviting will determine the venue, which in turn might determine the date itself. Start with the list. There are so many neat online tools to help collect the infamous guest list and addresses. We personally like Basic Invite. If you’re thinking of sending out printed save the dates and invitations we highly recommend their services. Ask us how you can save on your next order! You must prepare your guest list before you book your wedding venue to make sure your venue is neither cluttered nor does it have lots of empty space on the wedding day. The guest list will give you a ballpark idea of the number of guests and accordingly, you can finalize a wedding venue that comfortably accommodates all guests. 

 

 

  • Losing Sight of the Weather Conditions

A big wedding planning mistake anyone can make is forgetting to take the weather conditions into account when booking the wedding venue. If you are holding your wedding in summer, then your ideal venue might be one of the many Outdoor Wisconsin Venues. However, Spring and Fall Weddings it is always a good idea to have a backup plan. We crossed our fingers and hoped for the best with an August 18th wedding last year, but we recommend renting a tent, even if you don’t put it up, it is nice to have it just in case! It’s the Midwest. Anything is possible. 

 

 

  • Going DIY or Hiring a Newbie

Did our siblings make a mistake in ‘hiring’ us to make their dreams come true? Maybe? But like I always say, the proof is in the podding and everything went off all three times without a hitch, but I wouldn’t call us newbies either. Our siblings are also super chill and down to earth and ultimately cared more about each other than the day itself. They wanted everyone to enjoy themselves and for their day to be stress-free. The trusted others who promised to take care of them and if in the event something didn’t quite go as planned, they would simply take care of it. They got to ditch their phones and just show up! Invest is someone who is OBSESSED with weddings. We have worked with many who are so good at what they do! Check out Trillium Event Co. The owner just so happens to be a high school friend who serves the Appleton, Wisconsin and surrounding Fox Valley area. 

 

  • Sending Out Your “Save-the-Date” Messages Too Soon

Wedding planning is just as exciting as stressful it is and so, you may impulsively send your save-the-date messages. But what if you realize that you need to cut your guest list short and nix a couple of third-tier invites later? This is where things can get complicated because you would’ve already invited them. So it is best to wait till the number is finalized and then wedding venue is booked before you send out your paperless posts. Working with parents on your list can be stressful, but we strongly recommend getting your list FINALIZED at least six months in advance.   

 

 

  • Missing the Point

I would say the biggest mistake couples make in planning their wedding is not investing in their relationship and ultimately their marriage. Sometimes the big things are not the most important and often we get caught up the excitement and the thrill of planning, that we forget the reason we planning the first place. Planning a wedding is a lot like life prep for couples. It forces two people to make decisions, communicate, create and keep to a budget, work with parents, meet each other’s friends, and agree and disagree. How is this going for you? If planning a wedding has been stressful or maybe you’re just getting started, focus on what is most important and keep that at the top of your list. Your marriage. We are a huge fan of marriage counseling. While your marriage hasn’t begun yet, the year(s) that lead up to it matter and it will set a foundation moving forward. Sure, you will hit some bumps along the way, that is normal, that is real life, but how are going to move past them? Are you able to compromise on your guest list? Can you agree on a venue? Are you getting along with your future in-laws during this process?

You can make every one of the mistakes above and still get married and even have a great wedding, but you can do everything perfectly and hire all the right people and miss the point altogether. Cherish the time you have and address issues you have when you see them. Don’t stay quiet for the sake of the other’s perceived happiness and don’t check out gentlemen when your bride and future mother in law are deciding on what color the napkins need to be. Your opinion matters more than you think. Brides, your groom wants nothing more than to give you the moon on your wedding day, but we’re not always sure its the moon you want. We want to be the thing you cherish most. We don’t want you to ultimately care about your dress, flowers, food, colors more than you care about the fact that we get to be the one thing you cherish most in life on this earth. While all of those things matter to us, because they matter to you, don’t make them the ultimate thing. Your dress might rip, your flowers might wilt, and your chicken might be dry, but I want to laugh cry with you when everything is falling apart and there is a hole in your kitchen roof and the water is pouring in because that is what marriage is all about. We’re stuck together. Thick and thin. Hell or high water and every other cliche you can think of. Marriage is is a commitment, a choice. That no matter what, I got your back and you got mine. Even when we disagree, I am still for you. Even when money is tight and the kids are sick, we’re for each other.

And in the good times, and there will be so many good times, we cherish each other and the moments because they are gifts we don’t deserve. #liferevered.

 

 

 

   

Uncategorized / Faith, For Brides, Marriage, Sponsored Post, Wedding Planning / Comment

Emotional Wedding Photos

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February 10, 2017

/ James Stokes

Wedding days are filled with a bundle of emotions and often ones you can’t really predict. They wait right beneath the surface and it isn’t until we see the faces of the ones we love the most do they spill over. These are the moments we want to candidly capture and have it as though we were never there. Being present doesn’t  mean the shutter has to be clicking but waiting and anticipating those moments. Katie and I both have our strengths and this is certainly Katie’s. As a wallflower, she lives for moments like these, just anticipating the perfect moment when the father of the bride sees his daughter for the first time in her wedding dress. As a father, this moment gets me every time. I think about what it will be like when my own daughters get married and how I will be a complete mess and for good reason, they are my babies and I will be giving them away… it will be a happy day and at the same time I will be missing them before they are gone.

Marriage is big, scary, & filled with the unknown. Weddings are a celebration of what it means to dedicate your life to another for life in spite of those fears. This summer I have the chance to give the message at my brother’s wedding. It is something I have been planning for almost a year. Does anyone really remember what was said at their wedding? Maybe not without the help of a videographer, but I know how I want him and his wife to feel; loved and supported. Marriage takes work and families are not off the hook, while they are to take a back seat in letting their children make decisions, it is their right as parents to support the marriage and no longer the individual child they raised. This is hard. Parents can either be absent or overbearing, but for the fortunate, they are encouraging, transparent, and honest. This is worth more than its weight in spiritual gold.

As believers, this means that we will point our children and their spouses to Christ always! There is no greater example of a servant than that of Jesus Christ and our marriages should reflect the glory of our creator. Understanding that marriage was designed to serve as a union within a fallen world breaks the notion that marriages themselves should be perfect. Indeed, we try and make our weddings as flawless as possible, but marriage will be filled with highs and lows and a million imperfections. In those lows and through those mistakes, what will bring us back to a place of contentment and surrender? What will point us back to our promises? We believe that with God’s help and through scripture you will be reminded of your vows and commitment to one another. Psalm 77:11-12 – I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Over the last nine years of marriage, it is so evident how God has poured out His mercy and blessings on us in all His forms. Over time, I am afraid that we will forget all the goodness and trials he has given in order to have us draw closer to him and each other. I like to think that photographs and journals help protect against that. We are reminded every day of His goodness and the blessings we’re surrounded by. Our marriage is not perfect and our children are not angels, but God’s Grace is sufficient for all our failings as spouses and as parents. It is our hope that our couples would know Jesus personally and lead God fearing lives that raise up disciples for the Lord.

Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build labor in vain.

This is from one of my favorite chapters in Psalms which reminds me that children are a heritage from the Lord. What a gift we have to be able to marry the one whom God has chosen for us and to live in a place where we can serve and worship him freely. God ultimately wants us to delight in Him and to chase after him. So very often we misplace God for our spouse and our spouse was never designed to replace the creator of the Universe. We simply are not big enough to fulfill the needs of the human soul, we cannot be the happiness source of another. This is freeing! You don’t have to be EVERYTHING to your other half, you simply have to show them who is worthy of all of your praise. John 1:3

So, rejoice. Breathe. Laugh. Cry. Be silly. Your wedding day should be filled with hope and joy, much like our blessed hope in the day Christ will return in all His glory. Titus 2:11-14

  

Personal, Wedding / Candid, Central Wisconsin, Ceremony, Emotion, Emotional, Faith, Father of the Bride, First Dances, Laughter, Marriage, Mother of the Groom, Photo Journalism, Wedding Day, Wedding Receptions / Comment

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